It’s posting season and OUTCAN spring. This article is intended to help you with your move back to our beloved Canada. If you are not moving this season, read this anyway, as your time will come sooner than you know it!
Anticipate
Not sure where you are heading yet? This is harder for some than others. For those that need certainty or are downright intolerant of uncertainty, posting season drives up fretting activity and can put our bodies on high alert. Our ‘need to know’ can grow so strong that we press for information and certainty from our spouses or the internet, even though at some level we realize there is futility in doing so. Our intolerance for uncertainty can cause us to seek too much reassurance from others which can weigh on them and increase conflict. Here are some quick tips that can help you with your need to know:
Name it to tame it. Notice and observe the mounting physical tension that comes along with your strong need to know. Sometimes it develops slowly over a day and at other times it pops into a conversation hard and fast. Increase your observation of what your need to know feels like in your body. The very act of observing and describing reduces fretting. It also holds us accountable for modulating our own emotional responses.
Remind yourself that the answer will show itself in time. Patience is required right now. Patience requires noticing that things are moving at a pace that is not to our liking. Again, noticing this holds us accountable to manage our feelings.
Act on what you can. Whether it is culling and cleaning the house, creating lists or action plans, or taking a moment to savour the positive elements of your OUTCAN experience, acting on something within your control can help you get unstuck from fretting and put you one step closer to being ready to move when the time comes.
Already know where you are moving to and feeling an uptick in your body and mental activity? Military relocations create a surcharge of demands that we need to process, solve, and manage. Even once we know where we are moving to, it can feel like a queue of many other unknowns await us to be resolved. These same tips can help you modulate your stress and emotional reactions as you prepare for and anticipate what will come next.
Respond
How do you want to respond when you hear the news of where you are moving to? Or when you encounter a wrench in the plan? Or a dashed hope? How you behave will directly affect your spouse and family (and even yourself). If you lose your cool, so may they. If you respond with grace or composure, you can help your whole family system settle down. It may not be perfect but dropping even one notch on your subjective sense of stress will make a difference. Most often, the challenges faced do not require an instantaneous reaction. Here are some tips to help you respond effectively versus react automatically:
Prepare your response ahead of time. Whether you get what you want or not, you can respond to whatever the news is gracefully or effectively. Here is an example of a response you can plan and practice: As soon as you come to know of your posting location, take as many breaths as you need to until your mind is back online, then pause, half-smile (like the Buddha) and then say “Yes” or “We’ll figure it out,” or whatever mantra or expression helps you and your family adapt to the news and move forward.
Each morning bolt upright in bed and say “Yes” to the day
Radically accept. Note the word ‘radical.’ When something happens to us that is not to our liking, whether it be a traumatic experience or some sort of unpleasant event, accepting it wholeheartedly, without reticence, is a useful skill to learn and apply. Radical acceptance is not acquiescence or endorsement that the event or circumstances are ‘right.’ It is a willingness to work with what has already occurred (because we cannot undo what has already passed) and to let go of the preoccupation with wishing it were otherwise. When we do this, it creates space for us to redirect our focus and actions to respond effectively.
Resettle
It’s ok to take your time. Be careful when making big decisions and imposing pressure on yourself once you are in your new home and community. The relocation process is stressful enough without taking on an unnecessary number of big decisions and adding undue pressure on oneself and each other. When we are tired and burnt out, we don’t have full and proper access to our minds and all the important memories of the experiences we have overcome. Settling into a new community may bring on rushes of adrenaline that, if unexamined, can lead us to act like some sort of action is necessary right now. Careful! This can be a false alarm.
Tips:
Remember: You have the right to take your time and to think. Consider this too: If the police aren’t at the door, it’s not an emergency!
One way that you can be kind to yourself is to allow yourself time to orient, adjust, and settle. Everything in good measure – including pace. Take on what you need to and allow yourself a comfortable pace to take on all that you want to.
Repeat
How many times have you done this, and will you need to do this moving thing again? Save your lists and action plans, because they may very well come in handy in 5, 3, 2 years from now. What do you want to see yourself do differently this time? Did your worry, need to know, and misguided emergency mode help you before? If so, how? How did any of that actually help you? Research is really clear: If you are not engaged in problem-solving, you are most likely fretting. The only two ways out of fretting are problem-solving and tolerating uncertainty. Enjoy your move and when not possible, tolerate. If you notice you are on high alert and realize it’s not helping, just start over. A well-observed breath always helps. Always!
Co-authored by
Andrea Liss, MSW, RSW, RP (Ontario), Military Family Services Social Worker, Europe and Major Samantha Thompson, MSW, RSW, Social Worker, CF H Svcs (O), Det Casteau, Canadian Armed Forces