Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting in Europe? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our mid-month bulletin. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME.
Dear Andrea,
I’m thinking about having an affair. Should I?
- Undecided
Dear Undecided,
I applaud you for asking your question as this is an indication that you have some doubts about whether having an affair is something you should do. In fact, I think your question might actually be “I’m thinking about having an affair. What is going on with me and what is this all about?” Curiosity indicates that you wish to learn about what is emerging in your personal life. Thank you for reaching out as there is much to share so let’s get started. Spoiler Alert: you may already be having an affair.
Firstly, I would recommend that you seek support of a therapist or a wise compassionate elder. I think your question indicates that you are a person who wants to have a conversation to explore what is driving this. Go for it but be smart about it too. Given that this is a fairly provocative topic you will want to ensure that you speak with someone who will be able to support that the conversation is about you and not about them. Therapists are humans and we can sometimes personalize, even though this is anathema to the profession. It’s important that you speak with a therapist or elder who will allow you to explore your thoughts and feelings and to refrain from lecturing or scolding you as this will shut you down. Relationship and couple therapy are areas of psychotherapy expertise. Ensure your recommended therapist has had training in couple work and ask them directly how they feel about working with you on your topic. If within the first session you do not feel safe, move on and find another therapist. This is the same advice I’d give any person or couple seeking support about their marriage.
A Few Words about Attraction
We can all find ourselves attracted to others and all that means is that we are human and we are alive. Research indicates that proximity gives rise to attraction and this is why workplaces for example are places of vulnerability for affairs. It is important to consider that deception destroys trust and having an affair is harmful, regardless of one’s very good reasons for entering in to one.
The Relationship “Contract”
You do not say whether you are in a relationship or are single, whether there are children in the picture, nor mention anything about your gender, but all these factors have implications for your query. Regardless of your situation you will want to ponder on what commitment means and what contract you have with yourself, your partner (if applicable) and other human beings. Being in a relationship assumes exclusivity, whether this is articulated between the couple or not. Interestingly, many couples do not make this contract explicit even though it’s a really important conversation to have. The ways we justify to ourselves that the contract be amended, broken or redefined lie at the heart of affair-inducing beliefs.
Common Affair-Inducing Beliefs
The reasons that people give as to why an affair can occur offer a glimpse into beliefs related to infidelity. These beliefs are important to explore and can include:
My partner is checked out/preoccupied with the kids/unhappy and regardless, I need to have my needs met
We have both been unhappy for so long. This will help force our relationship to end
I have a right to have as much pleasure as I want because I have had X trauma
Something in me is being awakened which I thought was gone forever and I would like to explore this now
I’m a player- it’s just what we do
I can’t control myself
I’ll show them
I need to escape the grief of losing my job so this will help distract me
I’m exploring my sexual identity so I have to try it on for size to ‘know’
I need to see if I've still ‘got it’
These are beliefs that can fuel affairs. They can act as justifications to break the relationship contract. Beliefs can be adaptive or maladaptive, the latter being fodder for exploration in therapy. It is worthwhile to consider that beliefs are not facts. Unexplored beliefs are vulnerable to tunnel vision.
Work relationships and platonic relationships can step over the line and turn into romantic relationships. Here are three red flags:
Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy is the most powerful bond of all. When friends share more personal things about their hopes and fears than with their spouses, this is a red flag. If you and your friend are turning to each other to discuss troubling aspects of your marriages instead of working on the issue at home, this is a red flag. If you consider your friend and not your partner to be a soul mate and best friend, this is a red flag.
Secrecy
Romance can build in the privacy of a too-close friendship. When you and your friend create a world away from pressure, responsibilities, and the routines of ordinary family life, this is a red flag. If you completely stop mentioning your friend at home, this is a red flag. The secret nature of a relationship automatically increases its intensity and fuels preoccupation about your friend. This is all red flag material.
Sexual Chemistry
Chemistry gets inflamed by forbidden sex. When friends begin telling each other how much they turn each other on, this is a red flag. When friends fantasize about what their sexual relationship would be like, this is a red flag, regardless of whether you stated that you will never act on said fantasies. Suppression of sexual tension can increase it in such circumstances.
Emotional Affairs At the outset of this article Undecided, I noted that you may already be having an affair but may not realize it. Here are some questions borrowed from the book Not Just Friends by Shirley P Glass (citation below). They can help you look at the nature of friendships and indices of vulnerability to an affair:
Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?
Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?
Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?
Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?
Would you feel comfortable if your parent saw a recording of your meetings?
Are you aware of the sexual tensions in this friendship?
Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?
Are you in love with your friend?
Undecided, I hope you have found this information helpful. Best wishes on your self exploration. Here are some additional resources.
Recommended Readings
Not “Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity (2003) by Shirley P. Glass
All About Love (2000) by Bell Hooks
Infidelity A Survival Guide (1998) by Don-David Lusterman
Should I Stay or Should I Go: A guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can and Should be Saved (2011) by Lundy Bancroft
How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not to (2004) by Janis Abrams Spring
Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends (2007) BY Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti
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If you would like to pose a question for the Ask Andrea column, please send your anonymous question to https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME and Andrea will do her best to share some of her ideas.
Andrea has a master’s degree in Social Work and is a Registered Social Worker (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. She maintains a faculty appointment at McMaster University where she teaches in the Masters of Science in Psychotherapy program.