Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting in Europe? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our mid-month bulletin. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME.
Dear Andrea,
I have three children- two tweens and a toddler. My adolescent daughter screams for everything. If we ask her about school or for help she tells us she is busy. I don’t like her when she acts like this in front of her siblings. She can be very rude to her father in particular. Help!
- Mom
Dear Mom,
My heart goes out to you and your family as I am sure do all the hearts of the OUTCAN community!
There are many many issues to consider here. I will share some thoughts for you and your family to consider right away. As well, I have come up with a 5-month parenting plan for you and your husband to follow. If after six months of both parents working hard on the parenting plan, you find the screaming hasn’t reduced, perhaps consider speaking with a professional service such as the Family Information Line FIL@CAFconnection.ca / Ligne d’info pour les familles LIF@ConnexionFAC.ca , or additionally, a medical check-up with a doctor or nurse may be required in order to rule out any possible health issues.
What I am thinking about your situation;
Based on what you have described, I think your daughter is using anger as a coping reaction to the stresses she is experiencing. As an emerging teen she will need to update her stress management skills to better reflect her age. As a parent of an emerging teen, there are many new things you can do. But first, some context.
Teens and stress
All adolescent boys and girls experience common stressors and difficulties. A 2012 Canadian research study (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3466152/) indicated that adolescents worry about the following common stressful events and difficulties:
1. Romantic breakups
2. Parental divorce/separation/conflict
3. New family structure (blending families; new siblings)
4. Relationship with father
5. Relationship with mother
6. Relationships with siblings
7. Relationships with friends
8. Health (e.g. acne; asthma)
9. Weight
10. Schoolwork
How many common stressful events is your daughter experiencing that you know of? This list is only of what are termed, the “common stressors” for adolescents. Common stressors and difficulties are a great place to have conversations or help your child problem solve. In addition to this list of common difficulties, we need to keep in mind that the one stress not listed here is the move to Europe. Your OUTCAN child has moved to Europe potentially against their will. Children have strong reactions to this and find moving very stressful. I can’t state this enough.
Serious stressors
Is your daughter experiencing serious stressors like bullying or cruelty in her friendships with other boys and girls? Is she questioning her sexuality? Is she using social media and technology in a way that you are comfortable with? Are you aware of her online presence and interactions for example? Is there sadness, anxiety, or eating difficulties that she is experiencing? Has she experienced any unwanted sexual advances? These are types of stressors that adolescents are unable to manage on their own. Some parents would feel the need for professional guidance in these situations in order to help them navigate their child’s distress and functioning.
How are you and hubby doing?
In addition to common and serious stressors that adolescents experience, there are serious circumstances that adults experience that contribute to adolescent stress. Parental drinking to the point that it interferes with family functioning, parental aggression and fighting, parental limit setting that is too strict or too loose for your adolescent’s maturity level, and significant parental health or financial problems are major sources of child stress. No matter how autonomous adolescents want to be, they are simply wholly incapable of problem-solving serious stressors because their brains are not yet developed to be able to do so.
Anger as a coping reaction?
It probably sounds strange to hear that ‘anger’ is a tool that some people use to cope. Anger is an emotion that communicates to ourselves and others that there has been a perceived rights violation or unfairness or that a goal has been blocked. The physical sensations of anger don’t actually last all that long but they are intense enough to be reinforcing. The problem for girls too is the excessive thinking they can do when they are really upset. Research indicates that girls tend to ruminate. Rumination is a reaction to stress characterized by passively and repetitively focusing on perceived failures. Girls also use emotions to cope. Boys are more problem-focused and use distraction to cope.
Anger can ‘feel’ really good in the moment because all kinds of chemical activity is stirred up in the body. This is very stimulating and why I say it’s also very reinforcing. However, the healthy benefits of anger don’t last because we often don't know how to harness anger to our advantage, so we feel good about ourselves. Instead, we can end up feeling ashamed because we lost control and have been harsh. It’s important to know that your daughter may not feel good about her interpersonal coping style and there is a good chance she would like to respond differently if she knew how. Anger is particularly important for girls to express as they face many unhealthy social pressures for which they should be angry about. Sometimes anger can be hurled at dads as young girls start to see the systemic inequalities that women face. To know how to express anger in a healthy way is a very important life skill and a significant contributor to self-esteem.
Your daughter has discovered that anger turns people off and that this pushes them away. Because of her underdeveloped brain she can’t see that this has relational impacts on others. Her brain has not yet developed the capacity to use words and reasoning together to cope with stress. This is the developmental task that she needs your support on.
Teen brain development
It’s important for anyone reading this article to review this and similar TED Talks. This talk is about teen brain development. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbruY110Ql8. (French subtitles available by changing your settings, available to the right of the screen when you call up YouTube). The more you can learn about brain development, the better able you will be to attribute your adolescent’s behaviour to the immense structural brain changes that are occurring. This is so important because it removes how personal it feels to us as parents. Also, it’s helpful to assume your adolescent’s intensity has a lot to do with biology! It’s a dynamic process when teen brains are developing while interacting with hormones. Cognitive reasoning abilities needed for emotion regulation lag behind the intensity, impulsivity and risk taking which teens find pleasurable and soothing, not to mention “cool”. Adolescents are more heart than head and adult brains are more head than heart. Adult reasoning, planning, consideration of the consequences and consideration for the feelings of others is greater due to the fact that our brains are fully formed. Full brain formation is established only by the time we reach our early 30s! A more contemporary understanding of puberty needs to include the brain. The whole body, brain included, is in a massive growth spurt! This is very discombobulating for a young human body! It’s uncomfortable, overwhelming and awkward.
Skills for daughters and parents
Your daughter needs to understand what she is experiencing inside her body and mind. She needs to know she is going through major changes to the brain. She needs to be able to label feelings and match them with the associated thoughts, e.g. “I am angry because I think you are being too strict with me”. This will help her brain develop. She needs to learn how to say those exact words and to stay in control while doing so. If she is losing control you can coach her by saying “Try and say what you are trying to tell me in another way. Try again. I’m listening”.
Parents- keep it short. Don’t say too much at once. Teen brains can’t work that fast. You can say “I want to hear what you think about my limit setting. I may not change the limit but let me hear what you have to say about if first”. Then stop talking and start listening. You must be in control when you say this as you are modeling how she can control herself.
Daughters need to know that feelings have several components. Breaking feelings down into component parts makes them much easier to deal with. Feelings have at least three components 1. physical sensations (heart pounding), 2. urges (to hit, to scream), 3. thoughts (I’m not allowed to go out now and I have hatred feelings toward my parents because they are interfering with my goal). Daughters need to understand that feelings are not behaviours, in fact they are separate. Daughters need to understand that urges and behaviour are two distinct events. Anger is not ‘bad’ per se but the anger behaviour we choose is often what the problem is. Adolescents need to learn that their behaviour often has been decided upon by themselves- it just doesn't happen out of the blue like they might believe. Girls need to be able to identify these components and understand that emotional outbursts are reactions but not responses. Responses are more methodical and what adults aspire to be able to do.
Interpersonal exchanges need to be slowed down so that your adolescent’s brain can learn and process while being less overwhelmed. When your adolescent’s body returns to calm, situations may have to be reviewed, like rewinding a tape. This is a great time to help educate your daughter and build her self esteem. Your message in these learning moments is always “You go girl. You can do this”.
A more regulated response requires taking a breath which initiates the rational part of the adolescent brain, the prefrontal cortex. As parents we need to model taking time outs and taking time to think so that our teens learn how to do this. Teens have to watch their parents be regulated to know how to regulate themselves.
Daughters need to ask whether they want help problem solving or whether they want to vent and complain. We all know what it’s like when we just want to rant to someone but instead get offered suggestions about what we should do. It’s annoying! Parents hate seeing their children in distress and often want to save them from this so offer solutions which becomes annoying to teenagers who are exploring their autonomy and identity. Parents need to listen without preparing what they want to teach. Listening is how your teen feels understood, which is all they really want.
Parents need to ask their daughters “Do you want help problem solving or do you want me to just listen”? If we provide the wrong need, girls get very frustrated and feel misunderstood and rightly so. Daughters need to learn to ask for what they want and parents need to ask their daughters what they need from them in that moment.
Parents need to ask their daughters about their opinions. You need to ask your daughter “What do you think” and often. She needs practice being concise and articulate and being able to hold herself in control while having strong emotions about topics. In order for this to be practiced, parents need to stop talking and problem solving as often as they do.
Validate feelings, not unskillful behaviour. If your daughter is angry because you have asked her to do something, validate the feeling of anger. “I know, I know, it sucks being asked to do the dishes when you are enjoying snap chatting with your friends. At the same time, screaming is not how we do things. It will just take a minute. Come, I’ll help get you started”.
Your 5-month parenting plan
Here are five tasks that you can work on with your husband. Each task is to be practiced for a month to help you consolidate your learning. Husbands help your wives and wives help your husbands to stay committed and to fine tune these skills.
Month 1: Listen without interruption. Say nothing while your daughter speaks. If your daughter is screaming, don’t interrupt her. If she raises her voice, ignore that and let her express herself. When it’s your turn to speak, take a long breath and say “Just let me take a breath here before I say what I need to say”. Show your daughter how she can regulate herself. Use less words. Slow your rate of speech. Practice, Practice, Practice!
Month 2: Aim to understand where your daughter is coming from. Your daughter’s feelings are ‘right’ and they have understandability. They may not make sense to you but they make sense to a teenage brain that is undeveloped. It’s important to say “That’s understandable. I get it. I now get why you would feel that way if that was what you were thinking”.
Month 3: Identify behaviours that are not helpful once some calm has come. Maladaptive behaviour should be labeled but only once feelings have been validated. “It’s okay to have feelings of frustration when you are working so hard at your math. Take some breaths. Let’s have some tea and we’ll start over which is easier on your vocal chords (humour always helps!).
Month 4: Ask your daughter if she wants to just be listened to or wants help with problem solving.
Month 5: Use less words. When you do speak be concise. Don’t blather on and on. Not more than one point at a time.
Good luck with your daughter!
Need more support and encouragement and ideas? Come join your OUTCAN crew every Monday from 11am-12pm Berlin time via zoom. Here is the registration link for I Can OUTCAN/Je suis Horscan, our new weekly support group. https://bit.ly/MFSEoutcanSFMEhorscan
If you would like to pose a question for the Ask Andrea column, please send your anonymous question to https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME and Andrea will do her best to share some of her ideas.
Andrea has a master’s degree in Social Work is a Registered Social Worker and Registered Psychotherapist (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. She maintains a faculty appointment at McMaster University where she teaches in the Masters of Science in Psychotherapy program.