Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting in Europe? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our mid-month bulletin. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME.
Dear Community Members.
This article is the second in a series of three Ask Andrea articles on Communication skills. Last month, in part, because I hadn’t received any anonymous questions and in honour of the CAF’s Healthy Relationships Campaign, I decided I would take it upon myself to write about communication skills. Last month’s Ask Andrea focused on the drawbacks of “Why”? questions. As a recap, “Why”? questions can elicit defensiveness and come across as blaming. This month’s super communication tip is about reconsidering your use of the word “But”.
In a nutshell, here is the issue with the word “But”: Anything that is said after the word “But” negates what came before it. Otherwise put, using the word “But” can cancel out whatever was said before which humans do not like. Sometimes it makes sense to cancel things out, and sometimes it can be a conversation buzz kill. Have a look at these sentences and read them out loud:
“I like your dress, but I like the black one better.”
“You did well on your test but what will you do differently next time?”
“Yes we live in Tukieye, but it’s no Canada.”
“I can understand you are very angry but hitting is not something mommy and daddy want you doing now that you can use your words.”
In each of these sentences, the point which precedes the word “But” loses its standing. The red dress is less, do better, Europe’s just ‘ok’, and it’s not ok for you to be angry. Here is the huge learning point (drum roll please ‘cause this is a big one)- All humans have a need to have their thoughts and feelings validated. Validation communicates to another person that his or her feelings, thoughts, and actions make sense and are understandable to the listener. Validation does not necessarily mean that you like or agree with what the other person is doing, saying, or feeling. It means that you understand where the other person is coming from. When our internal worlds are not validated, things can go sideways. And, when we are not validated in a high-stakes or emotionally intense situation, it’s like adding fuel to the fire. Being on the receiving end of a “But” can sometimes lead us to feel shut down and unheard which can lead us to behave badly.
We can sometimes behave badly when we have expressed our feelings about something and they have been discounted either by receiving a ‘But’ or by having our experience devalued in some other way. We can escalate emotionally in an attempt to reiterate the discounted position. We can increase our speech volume or make faces in an attempt to be heard and understood by the listener. This can then lead to an argument and conflict. As a listener, the use of the word “But” can contribute to conflict more than we realize.
To be really clear, what needs validation is the speaker’s inner experience- thoughts, feelings, or sensations. Inner experience and behaviour are two separate entities. Behaviour, unless due to instinct, is mostly considered to be within one’s control. However, this cannot be said for inner experience. While behaviour is typically a visible action (there are some exceptions to this), inner experience is private, and therefore less knowable to others unless expressed verbally.
Our internal worlds include our viewpoints, needs, opinions and emotions and rarely make sense to others at first. An individual’s internal sensations are actually ‘right’ in the sense that they fit a particular situation and occur in the context of that person’s history and perception of events. Our thoughts, feelings, and sensations originate inside of us and belong to us and us alone. Unless others are abusive or harmful to us, we are responsible for our own inner experiences and behaviour. Other people do not “cause” our feelings and are thus not responsible for how they originate in us.
When I say that internal experiences are “right”, this does not mean that they are accurate or always helpful. It does not mean that behaving badly is ‘right’ either. All this means is that we have internal sensations which fit our life experiences and perceptual faculties. Internal experiences are not necessarily ‘chosen’ by us. However, any ensuing behaviour is within our control and it is behaviour alone that is open for debate as either helpful or unhelpful. For example, we can feel envy (emotion) that we didn’t get the job we wanted and our friend did, but our envy doesn’t justify being mean and snippy (behaviour). It is perfectly understandable to be envious but it is not ‘right’ to slam your friend for succeeding in the competition. Inner sensations need thus be considered ‘understandable’ and yet those same ‘right’ feelings can be unhelpful to us if we then act on them with the urge to behave badly. We do have a choice in how we behave after all.
Try reading these adjusted sentences aloud:
“I like your dress and I like the black one better.”
“You did well and what can you do differently next time?”
“Yes we live in Europe and it’s no Canada.”
“I can understand you are very angry and hitting is not something mommy and daddy want you doing now that you can use your words."
The use of “And” is subtle and yet makes a difference. Try replacing “But” with “And”. “And” is more inclusive. Also, it takes into consideration what can look like two opposing positions which can then be held in the balance. And guess what’s a key indicator of mental health? Balance!
Check out this 6-minute podcast clip that addresses the importance of being heard and understood in conversation: https://onbeing.org/programs/friendship-and-the-democratic-process-kwame-anthony-appiah/
Like what you read and missed last month’s Super Communication Tip #1 on the drawbacks of “Why” questions? Check it out at the link here! https://mfsecommunications.wixsite.com/blog/post/ask-andrea-replace-the-word-why-with-the-word-how
Stay tuned for December’s Super Communication Tip # 3.
If you would like to pose a question for the Ask Andrea column, please send your anonymous question to https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME and Andrea will do her best to share some of her ideas.
Andrea has a master’s degree in Social Work and is a Registered Social Worker and Registered Psychotherapist (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. She maintains a faculty appointment at McMaster University where she teaches in the Masters of Science in Psychotherapy program.