Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting in Europe? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our mid-month bulletin. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME.
Hi Andrea! My husband and I seem to be at odds when it comes to raising our children. He takes a much stricter approach than I do. And when I feel like he is being too strict with them, I tell him, and often it is in front of the kids. This understandably upsets him because he feels I am cutting the legs out from under him and we fight about it. But if I wait to bring it up later, I usually forget to do it. I know you may say “then it must not have been that important” but it truly is important to me that we are on the same page. I find we argue about it a lot and it has affected our relationship. How can we work past this?
- Conflicted Mom
Dear Conflicted Mom and OUTCAN Community,
Hello Parents! As you may recall, I responded to this question last month. Consider January 2023’s Ask Andrea as Part 1 to this great question. I thought I’d give the question more attention as ALL parents can relate to the distress of one parent taking an approach that differs from the other. As a recap, last month’s column can be drilled down into 5 parenting tips:
Parenting Tip #1 Each parent should have certain exclusive areas of daily family life that they are responsible for.
Parenting Tip #2 Set aside a regular “State of the Union” meeting time for you and your partner to discuss the weeks parenting pits and peaks.
Parenting Tip #3 It is important to distinguish “the world of the adult, the world of the child”.
Parenting Tip # 4 Be the back-up your partner needs you to be.
Parenting Tip # 5: When you see or hear of questionable conduct from your child, the first step in coaching your child through it is to concisely articulate the family standard of behaviour that you and your spouse expect.
Check out the link below to January 2023’s column. You may want to leave it with your partner to read- that might be an easier way to start the conversation. https://mfsecommunications.wixsite.com/blog/post/ask-andrea-conflicted-mom. That said, sometimes talking is overrated and we just have to jump in and start ‘doing’ differently. Speaking of doing differently, here are some more ideas that I gathered from some of my MFS colleagues.
Sometimes you just have to let go. One of my MFS colleagues described how when she started to work night shifts that this meant that her husband took over sole responsibility of putting the kids down for the night. She had to Radically Accept that this intimate task would not be within her sphere of influence. Acceptance does not mean endorsement or acquiescence- this is very important to be able to differentiate. Acceptance does not mean that we will always ‘like’ what is going on. Acceptance is a mental ‘behaviour’ where we literally turn the mind and say to ourselves “I must let this go in order for me to be effective here and I will no longer allow myself to perseverate on it. I give this up, I give this over.” We may not like it, we may not ‘want to’, but the situation demands it. Radical acceptance is a skill that is probably a core competency in adult development. Check out the link on Radical Acceptance below.
Other times, you have to stand your ground. I’ll write more about this in the coming months because I think this is such a cool topic but for now, I’ll keep it short (and hopefully pique your interest!). I believe that there are only two issues in life that underlie conflict: Safety or integrity. Otherwise put, the conflict issue getting scratched at in you relates to either or both of those themes which are characterized by beliefs and values buried deep within you. If you and your partner are in conflict it is because one or both of these themes has been activated. If the issue is that important to you, you will have to stand your ground with your partner. Standing your ground does not mean controlling your partner. You cannot ‘make’ your partner do things that they do not wish to do. You need to do an honest inventory of the very good reasons that your position has full merit. You may have strong feelings but that does not mean your position is necessarily the best one. If the issues is that important to you, your partner may have to Radically Accept. If the issues is that important to you, you need to be very careful that you do not force the issue as this verges on coercion which is an abuse of power. This is a relationship after all and all relationships are sacred.
Outside perspective can be a game changer. Another MFS colleague I spoke with in prep for writing this article made a very good point. She noted that so much about parenting depends on how much life experience you have, how long you have been parenting with that parent, what your children are going through developmentally, and where you are as an adult in your own development and life. If you are “new” to parenting, there are many wrinkles to sort out. If you and your partner have been parenting for a while and continue to be at odds you may be ‘stuck’. Perhaps individually or as a couple you would benefit from a few meetings with a helper, someone to help see the forest for the trees. Problems benefit from perspective. Reframing a problem is of HUGE benefit when we are in a ‘stuck’ position. It’s perfectly ok to meet very short term with a therapist, a chaplain, a medical professional to request a ‘check-up’. Being clear on the stated purpose of a few counselling sessions can help couples gain new perspectives and move along from what was blocking them.
Here is a great article on Radical Acceptance. Enjoy! https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-radical-acceptance-5120614
If you would like to pose a question for the Ask Andrea column, please send your anonymous question to https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME and Andrea will do her best to share some of her ideas.
Andrea has a master’s degree in Social Work and is a Registered Social Worker and Registered Psychotherapist (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. She maintains a faculty appointment at McMaster University where she teaches in the Masters of Science in Psychotherapy program.
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