Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting in Europe? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our mid-month bulletin. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME.
Hi Andrea,
We are looking for some discussion about how to give advice to our children when they do not live at home, when they are entering adulthood. Thanks!
- First Time Launchers
Dear First Time Launchers!
Way to go OUTCAN mom and dad! Your emerging adult child is ready for their very first solo journey! You are anxious as to how you will guide them as they make their move to leave the nest. Your emerging adult child is following through on the plans they made to embark on their own journey. Canada awaits them while you two parents remain OUTCAN doing your journey. Mixed feelings prevail! Satisfaction, vicariously living through your young person’s awakening life, greedily relishing these last moments, and anticipation of the future. So many intense feelings!
The time has come. You need to drop them off on the tarmac as planned. They are going to fly! Although this is their first time taking the plane to their new adult life in Canada, they been practicing for this moment for their whole lives. They will wave goodbye and fly off. Meanwhile, there you’ll be, on the ground far below- watching, waving, wondering, and cheerleading. You have decided to be open, steady and curious about their flight skills and decision-making abilities. Despite all your intense feelings, you know you have to keep somewhat of a lid on them so that your emerging adult child understands that you have confidence in them. You are so in admiration of their courage and talent. They are flying the plane you set them up with!
In addition to the bonds of safety and security, you and your adult child are linked by the plane’s voice radio. Though separated, you can easily converse and hear each other’s voices. You know your child’s voice like the back of your hand. During your many long talks over the years, you have watched their facial expressions and body language change and evolve. Even when you didn’t know exactly what’s going on, you checked in with them and they mostly let you in. You have already experienced them holding back. When they reached their teens they did some normal holding back. Teens enjoy experiencing autonomy and a sense of control like we all do. When you can’t actually see your emerging adult child you are going to have to trust. Trust that they will eventually come to you and that they have incorporated the many lessons and counsel your parenting has provided them.
Back to the flight metaphor...You’re down on the ground now, far below and are Woo Hooing your emerging adult from the runway- the one you swept and shovelled for years so that all they had to do was focus on the instrument panel. It’s been at this very runway that you and your child practiced take-off and landing so many times. There you are now, looking like the keen parent that you are- waving to your emerging adult child who is now far up above the sky. They know you are there but you are no longer within eyesight. They have to take what you taught them and fly. It’s all been well integrated into their cells by this time. Your emerging adult child is elated and nervous at the freedom and excitement that comes from the recognition that they are in total control and intensely self-reliant.
From down below on the ground, you know deep inside you that your child can successfully navigate their flight and trouble-shoot the usual demands of a normal solo flight. Your emerging adult child knew it made no sense to take this solo flight when it was stormy and when the plane needed repair because you taught them how and when to fly for the greatest chance for success. You were always clear with your child all the times that their lack of experience caused them to overestimate their current skill level. To the extent that you could, you would not let them crash. You knew they wouldn’t be able to fly solo before this day. If they ever pushed this you had no choice but to step in. It was a safety issue after all!
Other than some attachment pains and normal jitters, you know your emerging adult child is doing what they need to do in that plane way up in the sky. Your own feelings are more activated than normal right now because of the grief at seeing your emerging adult child no longer needing you in tangible ways. There aren't a lot of tangibles from down there on the tarmac! Your role is shifting and it’s uncomfortable. The focus for you as a parent has been so much about your child. Now it’s time to check in with yourself and see how you are doing. You are in a role transition in parallel to the role transition that your emerging adult child is experiencing.
The feelings you are having right now might make you wonder whether your adult child is going to be alright- but don’t be confused! Your feelings of grief are your feelings about the upcoming changes and though intense, they are yours and about your role shift. What’s important to realize about this is that those feelings don’t mean anything about your emerging adult child and their capacity to take this flight. You will radio in on them here and there and your emerging adult child might say “Let me do this, I’ve got this”. You get the message and pull back, taking a more wait and see approach. You know it’s right to do so because you know you have done so much work over the years and trust your emerging adult child. Taking a step back allows you to have faith that your child has incorporated the many family values and teachings along the way. Your child is ready and enthused about the prospect of the solo flight and wants your love and approval for the skills and courage they have internalized from you.
In the role shift you are making First Time Launchers, you will most likely tend to shift from a parental role to a more ‘coaching’ role. The spirit of a coaching role looks and sounds like this: “It sounds like you are wondering whether to drop a course or not. If you want to talk about it, we are here. Just let us know if you need a hand with anything or you just need to talk it through and hear your own thoughts”. That last bit is pretty important. We want to make sure that our kids, especially the older ones, know that they have two options: problem solving help from us, or, a sounding board - someone they can just talk things through with. Try out the new skill of asking your emerging adult child whether they just want to vent or if they need help problem solving. Congruency between speaker and listener is key. Advising your emerging adult child may not always be needed but asking an emerging adult if they want your advice or thoughts on the subject will go a long way.
One last thing First Time Launchers- Can I give you some advice : ) ? You may want to check out a previous Ask Andrea question that one of your OUTCAN community members posed as it maps on nicely to your question- it’s last month’s June 2022 column from Long Distance Mom and Dad. Here is the link https://mfsecommunications.wixsite.com/blog/post/ask-andrea-long-distance-mom-and-dad.
First Time Launchers, the OUTCAN community wishes you and your emerging adult child very well! Let us know how it goes!
If you would like to pose a question for the Ask Andrea column, please send your anonymous question to https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME and Andrea will do her best to share some of her ideas.
Andrea has a master’s degree in Social Work is a Registered Social Worker and Registered Psychotherapist (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. She maintains a faculty appointment at McMaster University where she teaches in the Masters of Science in Psychotherapy program.