Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting in Europe? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our mid-month bulletin. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME.
Dear Andrea,
I’m leaving OUTCAN in a few months. For me, it’s been a great experience and for one of my friends here, less so. I’m resistant to the idea of leaving Europe and meanwhile, she can’t wait to go home. What advice do you have for both of us even though our situations are very different? Thanks! - 100% OUTCAN
Dear 100% OUTCAN,
Let’s see how we can honour your experience and get you feeling better about winding down your time in Europe while honouring your friend’s experience too.
Psychological transition back to Canada has three phases- Goodbye, Landing, and Reintegration. The focus of this month’s column will be on Goodbye.
For those leaving OUTCAN this summer, you should have already started your goodbye process. For those that are social, this will mean setting up final outings with friends and making that one last bucket-list trip. It’s important to start early. Friends and neighbours may need a heads up that you are leaving- so many moves and changes occur with military postings that it can be hard to keep everyone’s whereabouts straight. Never assume that others know you are leaving. Therefore, starting goodbyes early is a smart move. For those of you leaving next year, you may want to consider starting your goodbyes as early as February- especially if you have been here for three or more years. It’s important that you and your kids experience final dinners with community members and say yes to last minute plans. For those that like less fanfare, you can quietly meet with people and let them know you don’t want a big send off. Maybe intimate dinners or coffee breaks are better suited to you. Writing a goodbye card to a friend and including your new address may be more your style. Ask to be added to your friend’s Christmas card list. Whatever your approach, know that someone else may have an entirely different one. You do you and the style of goodbye that best suits you. Sometimes you may have to give a little if a friend needs more from you than you’d usually want to give. If it’s no sweat off your back, why deny them that? If it’s a nuisance, you can also assess whether it’s time to honour your own style and be your authentic self. Oh how complicated we are!
Kids need to start their goodbyes early too. Your child may want to get a special gift for a friend and maybe personalize it to mark and honour this special time in their lives. It takes time to find a meaningful gift. A great gift in the form of kind words considered in advance can have long-lasting impact on both the sender and receiver. Both kids and adults have a rare opportunity during their goodbyes to say to others, “You’ve had an impact on me. I’m happy that I got to spend time with you.” Share the impact that person has had on you: “Our friendship OUTCAN saved me. When my mom ran into health problems, you were there for me and helped me navigate remote caregiving. That meant so much to me. I will cherish the memories of the time I got to spend with you.” Goodbyes are a great time for intimacy for both adults and children.
We all experience goodbyes differently. Here is a list of some of the approaches people can take to leaving OUTCAN. Which one are you? Which one is your spouse? What work do you need to do to make this a good goodbye?
The Happy Hopper- “I’m outta here! Weee, I can’t wait to get going! I love Canada. I’ve missed it so. I’m excited about Kingston. I can’t wait to settle in my old neighbourhood! Who cares about goodbyes! How much longer do we have to be here?” It’s fantastic that the Happy Hopper is raring to go but all successful goodbyes require our house to be left clean. The Happy Hopper’s task is to slow down and take stock of their experience. The best beginning starts with a well-considered ending.
The Ambivalent Adapter- “I know I have to go but it's been so great. We are set to leave, I hear the words, but I’m not ready. This is killing me and yet I have come to accept it. OUTCAN has been amazing. Canada is not what I want but what I have to go. I hope I’ll be happy but I can’t quite imagine that yet. I suppose it will come in time but...”. The ambivalent Adapter needs to make a list of the advantages of returning to Canada. They may need a little help from a friend. Making contact with people back home and asking for help is what the Ambivalent Adapter needs.
The Miffed Mover- “I don’t want to go. I’m mad that I have to leave. This has been the best experience of my life and I can’t imagine that it will have to end. No way. I’m going to plead and bargain to stay no matter what. I’m going to cling to this for as long as I can.” The best thing about the Miffed Mover is that they have been staunch supporters of OUTCAN. They have given it all they can. Who can blame them for clinging? Keep in mind that clinging creates suffering. The Miffed Mover needs to take stock of all they have given to OUTCAN and to take pride in their awesome positive contributions to community and family. The Miffed Mover was at one time the best OUTCAN cheerleader which all of us needed. Radical acceptance is what is needed of the Miffed Mover. If you are around a Miffed Mover, thank them for all they have contributed!
Stay tuned for May’s Ask Andrea on Phase 2 of transitioning back to Canada: Landing.
If you would like to pose a question for the Ask Andrea column, please send your anonymous question to https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME and Andrea will do her best to share some of her ideas.
Andrea has a master’s degree in Social Work and is a Registered Social Worker (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. She maintains a faculty appointment at McMaster University where she teaches in the Masters of Science in Psychotherapy program.