Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting in Europe? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our mid-month bulletin. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME.
Happy New You Dear OUTCAN Readers!
For those of you who are new to the Ask Andrea column, the Ask Andrea column is your opportunity to ask about anything on matters of the heart, mind, and soul. I will respond to your inquiry by writing a column about it. Don’t be shy- get your questions to me via the anonymous Ask Andrea virtual question box at PollEv.com/mfseurope476. Ask me anything! For the first column of 2024, I decided I would write about a topic of interest to me that I hope is of interest to you too. It’s about the human propensity to gossip, talk S#’+ and what we can do about it. Here is a bit of a background story as to why I am writing about this.
On my path to adapting to my new life in Germany two years ago, I decided to deepen my knowledge of Buddhist psychology for both personal and professional development reasons. I enrolled in an online diploma program at the International Zen Therapy Institute (ITZI). I am learning all kinds of helpful understandings about ego dissolution, impermanence, dependent origination, loving kindness, suffering as a gateway, and “don’t know mind.” But enough about me! I simply wanted to set the stage of where I am coming from in this month’s Ask Andrea, the first of 2024. Happy New You OUTCAN!
Buddhism is a world religion, the fourth most practiced. It has also been considered one of the first psychologies in that it has a very detailed model of the mind. William James, often thought to be one of the forefathers of psychology said to the monk Dharmapala whom he had invited to lecture at Harvard in 1903 “Take my chair, and I shall sit with my students. You are better equipped to lecture on psychology than I am.” Like William James, I too am finding Buddhist principals to be very useful for myself and with clients. For this month’s column, I have decided to write about “right speech.”
Buddhism puts forth helpful “lists” which act as guidelines for compassionate conduct. Committing to healthy personal conduct is very much related to western psychology- what we say and think very much impacts us and those around us. “Right speech” is about communicating only what is true, timely, and useful. Right speech can help you increase compassion toward others, reduce your ego, and reduce any desire to S#’+ talk. Let’s take a closer look at right speech.
Firstly, “speech” is an all-encompassing term. Here, it does not actually refer to verbal communication alone but all communication. Eye rolling and lying by means of typing on a keyboard are forms of speech. The rules of right speech also apply to self-talk. Cruel and demeaning internal dialogue about oneself lacks compassion and runs counter to right speech. Let’s look more deeply at what not to do, and then at what to do.
What not to do: wrong speech
There are four qualities that are considered “wrong speech.” The four forms of wrong speech from a Buddhist perspective are: abusive speech, idle speech, divisive speech, and lying.
Abusive speech
Abusive speech involves harshness, ill-will, cruelty, and unnecessary harm. When we make fun of someone even subtly, we are being abusive. When we yell and scream, we are being abusive. When we denigrate and tease, make a person less, or try to put them down, we are being abusive. Anger can certainly be called for when our wholesome goals are being blocked or an injustice has occurred. It’s the intention behind anger that separates abusive from right speech.
Idle speech
There are two forms of idle speech- gossip and nervous chatter. Any form of idle speech is banter that distracts the mind from meaningful pursuits. When we gossip, we are using our speech and the attention of someone else to diminish another person or group. We can gossip when our ego needs to feel better.
Many of us can dwell in nervous speech as a habit- nervous speech involves making sounds when the sounds are used to fill space. We can learn to sit with space rather than fill it with empty sound. Like the TV murmuring in the background but not being watched, nervous speech is a space filler. When we receive idle speech, we can feel tired and deenergized.
Divisive speech
Divisive speech is when we use speech to separate one person from another person. This is a popular strategy in US politics. A classic contemporary example of divisive speech occurs on reality tv. A typical reality tv strategy involves one contestant coming over to another contestant’s camp to create an alliance. By shunning a contestant, a dyad is formed with the intention of leaving the ousted contestant vulnerable. We engage in divisive speech when we say to another person “Did you know that so-and-so did this and this?” Or “Did you know you did this, and so-and-so doesn’t like that you did this?” Talking about another person’s faults is also considered divisive speech.
Sometimes we can try to cause doubt in another person. This can lead them to separate themselves from themselves because they second guess their actions or decisions. This too is divisive speech.
Lying
Do you know that what you are saying is in fact accurate? For example, you could tell a friend you spent 12 hours on a project, but is that true? We want to be able to ask ourselves “is it true”? before we speak. What would it be like if you stopped sharing your opinion unless requested? True speech leaves others feeling energized- it is inspiring.
Right speech redux
Right speech involves saying only what is true, timely and useful. In a nutshell, ask yourself these three questions:
Is what I am about to say accurate?
Is this the best time to speak?
In what way is what I have to say useful to my conversation partner?
Give right speech a try.
Best wishes in 2024 dear readers and please send me your questions!
If you would like to pose a question for the Ask Andrea column, please send your anonymous question to https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME and Andrea will do her best to share some of her ideas.
Andrea has a master’s degree in Social Work and is a Registered Social Worker (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. She maintains a faculty appointment at McMaster University where she teaches in the Masters of Science in Psychotherapy program.