Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting in Europe? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our mid-month bulletin. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME.
Dear Andrea,
We just moved to Europe this summer and this is much more difficult than I had ever anticipated. When will things start to feel normal again?
- OUTCAN Not Yet a Fan
Dear OUTCAN Not Yet a Fan,
Thank you for your honest and heartfelt submission. First and foremost, know that you will manage. You will adjust in time and you will feel better.
It’s going to be ok. Just what ok looks like is going to depend on what you can start to consider in terms of OUTCAN “pro tips” that will be described shortly. Keep in mind that, like in all major life transitions, there is a beginning, middle, and end. This is important for you to experience at both an emotional and cognitive level. Unpacking the kid's bedrooms, setting up the internet, paying the VISA bills from all the summer travel, organizing your household relocation expenses, and getting the kids off to school is the beginning of the beginning. Knowing that there are stages to the OUTCAN transition gives community members a sense of control. What follows is a range of pro tips to help you in your transition. You can pick and choose what you think suits you best. But first, a few more words...
When we are undergoing significant personal change it’s important to have a sense of what to expect. Knowing what the OUTCAN experience involves helps us to normalize our experience so that we can better take stressors in stride. The transition to OUTCAN life is usually an eight-month to one-year transition process. This may sound like a long time and that is because it is and we all need to recognize that this is a reflection of the many changes that are occurring all at once. The length and intensity of your relocation transition can be mitigated by considering the following tips, but please remember that although we all share many commonalities as military families, we are all unique. If you are experiencing excessive sadness, anxiety, regret, resentment, or grief and this is interfering with your functioning at home, work, school, privately, or socially, it’s important that you reach out to a mental health expert for guidance and support. Waiting until symptoms subside is unnecessary suffering. Here are some tips that researchers and OUTCAN pros have proven will help you in your OUTCAN experience.
Participate in Host Culture Activities
Paula is an OUTCAN spouse living in Germany whose birth country is Spain. While out walking she discovered a musical group playing Spanish music. Truth be told, Paula had never played Spanish music while living in Spain or Canada and yet was immediately curious when she heard the familiar sounds wafting from an open window. Paula dug up the courage to hike the staircase up to the music studio where she could hear the music coming from- she figured the open door and sandwich board with the words “All Welcome” meant that all were welcome and she was right! Paula sheepishly entered the music studio to see what was going on. Even though she inadvertently interrupted the practice, she was welcomed by the music group and was given a drum to play. Since that brave day, Paula has been attending music practice every week that she is not enjoying OUTCAN travel or taxiing her children to playdates. Paula’s ability to put herself out there to inquire about the sweet Spanish sounds is a wonderful example of participating in a host culture activity. Sure, it’s true that she gets to speak Spanish at the practice sessions but she is also with Dutch and Germans folks who are host culture experts and also have an interest in Spanish music. The music group has taken Paula under their wing. She has had to stick it out though- the bond did not come right away.
One of our MFS Community Service Providers recently shared with me a game-changer decision that she made early on in her OUTCAN transition. Marie-Claire swears by the value of walking the kids to the bus stop and then picking them up at the drop-off location at day’s end. She switches this up from time to time so that the kids walk themselves to the bus stop because she sees how the European children are given more responsibility in terms of getting themselves to school. Marie-Claire wants her kids to do as the European kids do too to help them better integrate into the host culture as she realizes this will help them feel less different. Marie-Claire has purposely surrounded herself with parents from all over the world at the bus stop and this has connected her to unexpected tips and information for her young OUTCAN family. When Marie-Claire decided to put herself out there and chat with other parents at the bus stop, this also reduced her own sense of isolation and increased her sense of community. Now, one year in, she is paying it forward by welcoming new OUTCAN parents that she is meeting at the school-bus meeting point.
Learn the Host Nation Language
Those who learn the language of their host country integrate themselves better into the culture. Melissa Penney, MFS Manager in Riga, highly recommends the app uTalk and has the chops to back it. Now in her fourth year in Riga, Melissa is proud to say that she has achieved a basic knowledge of Latvian. She can ask for and give directions, manoeuvre herself in the grocery stores and the Central Market (best ever market in Europe by the way!), as well as make basic conversation with the locals which has allowed her to make some great Latvian friends. Contact your local MFS manager for details about the up-to-100 Euro subsidy for approved host-country language classes. I have personally found that Duolingo and Pimsleur have been very helpful however keep in mind that language apps are not covered by the above-mentioned program funding.
Get Yourself Adopted by an Informal Host Nation Culture Mentor
Once you’ve signed your daughter up for that horse-riding class or found your favourite sewing shop or craft brewery, smile and say hello to everyone you meet, whether in your newfound broken OUTCAN Italian or in your mother tongue. Hello, and Bonjour or a wide smile are universal greetings that after a while, will melt even the prickliest of Northern European hearts. Make friends with your dance instructor who can take you to parties or share all the local haunts. I myself have found a great yoga class and have started to chat with one of the yogis. We bonded over the scalding hot shower water temperature at the
studio! I haven’t wanted to pounce on her too swiftly, but eventually, I’d like to ask her to sign up for a yoga master class with me at our studio and maybe invite her young daughter for a tea party. I’m taking it slow so I don’t scare her away!
Take Advantage of all that MFS and PSP have to Offer
Military Family Services has a very unique role in the OUTCAN setting, operates differently than it would in Canada, and differs in the types of programming offered by Military Family Resource Centres (MFRCs) operating in Canada. Where approximately 10% of Canadian military families use the services of MFRCs, that number skyrockets to roughly 80% for OUTCAN families. Why? The OUTCAN experience is fraught with unique stressors and MFS has you covered. Get to know your local MFS staff and all that the MFS has to offer. Volunteer at your local events and you’ll make some instant friends. The MFS Facebook page is a great way to keep updated on OUTCAN programs and services. https://www.facebook.com/MFSEurope
Join I Can OUTCAN, the Weekly Support Group for Military Spouses Living OUTCAN
If you want to jumpstart your OUTCAN experience, join I Can OUTCAN, a weekly support group for new and seasoned OUTCAN spouses. We meet Mondays via zoom at 11 am (Berlin). Here is the registration link. We look forward to seeing you soon! https://bit.ly/MFSEoutcanSFMEhorscan
And Finally, Read the first Ask Andrea Column on Loss of Identity and when we take a Sabbatical from Paid Work
If you are a military spouse and have left your job or are taking a break from your career in order to be OUTCAN, you may want to read the article on identity and work. Here is the link. https://mfsecommunications.wixsite.com/blog/post/ask-andrea-stolen-identity.
OUTCAN Not Yet a Fan, you can do this. It will come. If you joined the OUTCAN experience this summer, I’d say you are rounding the corner of the beginning of your transition. Up next will be the middle and then the ending phases of your transition. Your daily stresses will reduce as you adapt and a routine will develop. You’ll get used to making cultural goofs and start some new rituals. OUTCAN Not Yet a Fan- Stay ahead of the OUTCAN adaptation process and reach out to the community before you need us. We are here to support you!
If you would like to pose a question for the Ask Andrea column, please send your anonymous question to https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME and Andrea will do her best to share some of her ideas.
Andrea has a master’s degree in Social Work and is a Registered Social Worker and Registered Psychotherapist (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. She maintains a faculty appointment at McMaster University where she teaches in the Masters of Science in Psychotherapy program.