Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting in Europe? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our mid-month bulletin. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME.
Dear OUTCAN Community,
It looks like everyone has been busy settling into fall 2022 schedules because I haven’t received any Ask Andrea questions this month! Not to worry. Given that October is Healthy Relationships Month for the Canadian Armed Forces I thought that sharing a communication super-tip with you would be a great way to kick off the campaign. No matter who we are- whether single, a parent, a partner, or a child we are all family members to someone else and at the very least, community members to each other. Because we are social beings we communicate with each other. We need each other no matter how much of a confirmed bachelorette or introvert we fancy ourselves. Whether at work, school, or play, this first in a series of three communication super-tips over the months of October, November, and December 2022 will catapult you into being a master communicator.
Easy Communication Super-tip #1: Replace the word “Why” with the word “How”
Read the following sentences out loud and see what you notice:
Why did you leave the basement light on?
Why didn’t you tell me about this?
Why didn’t you do your homework?
Why did you tell her that?
Why did you start smoking?
Why did you marry me?
The problem with the word “Why?” is usually threefold: 1. The tone that tends to accompany it can at times come across as accusatory, 2. The linearity of a ‘Why”? assumes that there is one and only one reason for an outcome, and 3. What we do or don’t do is not always consciously known to us. Let’s take a closer look.
The questions listed above have within them some sort of outcome that has occurred that the person posing the question finds dubious or problematic in some way. “Why did you leave the light on”? typically implies that the person should not have left the light on. An outcome is a result of something that has already occurred and, is therefore now in the past. This is important to consider because neither the person asking nor the person to whom the question is directed can do anything about the decision which produced that outcome. Given that an event has occurred in the past, the person being questioned is pretty well helpless to correct it. What’s done is done. The lights were left on, the secret was kept, the homework was not done, etc. etc.
When very young children acquire language one of the ways they do so is by enjoying being given free rein to ask questions of any available adult and to talk, listen and learn. These moments are very precious because the child has an adult’s full undivided attention and the adult, by answering any and all questions, validates the child’s sense of curiosity and exploration. Children seem to relish in torturing us adults with complicated scientific or existential questions like “Why is the sky blue”? or “Why does Grandmere forget your name, Papa”? The reason why these questions are so maddening is that they are so complicated to answer! They are not at all “linear”. They are usually impossible to answer at first go around. Explaining light refraction and dementia is no easy task. We are trained early to ask “Why” questions. Later on in primary school, “Why”? is one of the very first questions we are taught to consider- for example Why/What/Where/Whom is the mainstay formula for writing a story and scientific inquiry. In the end “Why”? can be a shorthand and doesn’t always do a question justice.
The question “Why did you leave the basement light on”? is fairly linear. It assumes that there is one reason, one thing that explains that the light was left on. A child or teen will usually answer this “Why”? question with “I forgot”, which is usually maddening for parents. If you really think about it, the question is not very answerable. The actual reasons that the light was left on can be quite layered. For example, the child may have raced upstairs because it was the fifth time they were called to get ready for bed and they sensed tension was rising within mom. The child may then have prioritized getting into the bathroom before any of their siblings so that they could be the first one for a bedtime storytime with dad. The child’s attentional focus shifted to thoughts of having an attachment experience with dad at story time and the life skill of turning off the light fell to the wayside. No “Why did you leave the light on”? style question is going to be able to pick up all the nuances of why the child left the light on. Being asked the question “Why did you leave the light on”? can leave one feeling less-than because it can’t really be answered. The reasons why the child is gunning for the bathroom is to be first in line for toothbrushing and first in line for cuddles which may not even be fully conscious to the child. Also, let’s not forget that not having an answer to someone’s question is not desirable. “I don’t know” then becomes a standard quick response, a space holder to at least answer the question but it always falls flat. Now the parent has two problems: High electricity bills and a child who is feeling defensive because they can’t come up with the ‘right’ answer as to why they left the light on.
In a nutshell, the word “Why”? elicits defensiveness in the responder because it questions the intentions of the responder. In my experience, people usually have very understandable reasons for the things they do. They may not necessarily be reasonable or effective, but they are comprehensible. Eliciting defensiveness in the responder can be avoided by replacing the word “Why”? with the word “How”? Which would look like this: “How is it that the light was left on”? or even better “Tell me how we can get these lights turned off when you are no longer using the room. Lights that are left on are like leaving the tap running. Mom and dad want you to be aware that utilities cost the whole family. What solutions do you have to make turning the lights off happen more reliably”? “How”? questions do take longer to deal with and do take some explicit thought, but the result is that you will better appreciate the causes of the particular outcome you are questioning. Understanding what went into someone’s thinking by considering the very good reasons that the person did or didn’t do something conveys interest and curiosity in those around us and thus strengthens the relationship. If you found out that cuddles were prioritized over life skill acquisition, would that change your approach to the question?
Like what you just read? Stay tuned for November’s Ask Andrea for Easy Communication Super-tip #2: Replace the word “But” with “And”.
Finally, supercharge your relationship by looking into all the great resources available through the Healthy Relationships Campaign. Click here to get started.
If you would like to pose a question for the Ask Andrea column, please send your anonymous question to https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME and Andrea will do her best to share some of her ideas.
Andrea has a master’s degree in Social Work and is a Registered Social Worker and Registered Psychotherapist (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. She maintains a faculty appointment at McMaster University where she teaches in the Masters of Science in Psychotherapy program.