Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our mid-month bulletin. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://forms.office.com/r/F3rxQKvTdQ
Dear Andrea,
My feelings of resentment are overtaking me. I hate having these feelings. I feel badly that I have them. I feel like I am keeping a secret from the person I have the most resentment for- my husband. What do you suggest I do?
- Resenting
Dear Resenting,
Resentment is a complex emotion- it is a triple-threat of anger, disgust, and disappointment. It is considered a “justice emotion” in that the person experiencing it uses resentment as moral protection in response to injury. Resentment is accompanied by shame which you eloquently describe Dear Resenting when you say that you dislike the feelings of resentment and feel badly for having them. Experiencing resentment is difficult because we can feel weak for experiencing it as experiencing and acting on it may not be in keeping with how we view ourselves.
Resentment is characterized by two features- that it promotes rumination and tends to last a long time. Rumination is a mind pattern of reviewing a situation over and over, usually from a narrow perspective, but coming to no solution. Interestingly, research by Nolen-Hoeksema indicates that rumination promotes and prolongs depression in women. Indignation and bitterness are synonyms for resentment. Resentment comes from the French word “ressentiment” which means “to feel again.” Resentment is associated with various physical ailments such as heart and digestive problems, stress, and of course, reduced emotional vitality.
What to do about Resentment
Sofi is a mother of three, an accomplished violinist, and a military spouse. She has endured many CAF moves and her husband has had several deployments. She is growing in her disdain for the military because of the many family upheavals. She is angry at the CAF and her husband for the recognition that her husband receives while she, a graduate of an elite arts program, is struggling to get orchestra work. Sometimes she and her husband talk about splitting up, but they also talk about the possibility of him leaving the military. Neither option is what the couple wants. Sofi’s career has without a doubt been stalled.
It is here that you too Dear Resenting may want to consider doing a personal deep dive. While researching for this article, I came across a paragraph (citation below) that sheds some light on the personal work you may want to consider: “Ressentiment is that feeling that pervades us when we cannot become who we are and participate in society as a whole. Ressentiment signals a blockage in our personal evolution. In this dynamic…our ego creates an enemy to justify the blockage and removes it from our responsibility.”
While I do think that feeling resentful can indicate that there is a personal growth task that we ourselves could be trying (such as radically accepting that the military is an immovable institution on the matter of member moves and deployments), this approach also feels a bit ‘victim blaming’ to me. Sure, Sofi has personal work to do, but so does her husband.
Sofi is resentful of her husband Pavel and maintains power over him with her anger, disgust, and disappointment. She would rather maintain her moral conviction and behave resentfully than make peace with the idea that life has its limitations, and that life is very often unfair. It is understandable that Sofi feels resentful. And yet no matter how hard it is for her to be consumed by feelings of resentment, being resentful is far less of a psychologically difficult task than the task of rising above this by disregarding one’s ego. The ego has an unsatiable desire for greatness but does not deal very well in common sense or full and complete acceptance of the less ‘sexy’ aspects of life. The ego wants Sofi to stomp her feet and be the special one.
Sofi is having trouble because she believes that loosening the resentment grip would indicate agreeance with Pavel’s career appearing to be more important. But holding this moral conviction hurts Sofi and the family because she is becoming bitter. Perhaps the real work that Sofi needs to do is focus on being the very best violinist she can be under the circumstances and radically accept the reality of the power imbalance in that her husband’s career takes priority over hers right now. Knowing that life is unknowable and will change when conditions change could save Sofi from a lot of her suffering. This personal work is where Sofi may need to go. Does this resonate at all for you Dear Resenting? Resentment blocks personal growth because it instead focuses on assigning blame. We humans do this all the time. Blame is a shortcut for seeing life as it really is- that it is often full of plenty of unfairness and downright ridiculousness.
Trust me ladies and gentlemen, Pavel is not off the hook. He needs to devote himself to his wife and family more. This will level the playing field of the power imbalance in his marriage. Pavel needs to understand the dynamics of his wife’s resentment without trying to fix this by coming up with solutions to an unsolvable problem! I have noticed in working with couples that this is very difficult for some partners, especially those who’s only conflict strategy is to problem solve. Deep listening and true effort at appreciating a spouse’s disadvantage are mandatory. An important task for all CAF couples in this situation is contracting for how the advantaged spouse will ‘make up’ for the advantages that they have accrued.
Want more information? Check out the resources below.
If you would like to pose a question for the Ask Andrea column, please send your anonymous question to https://forms.office.com/r/F3rxQKvTdQ and Andrea will do her best to share some of her ideas.
Andrea has a master’s degree in Social Work and is a Registered Social Worker (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. She maintains a faculty appointment at McMaster University where she teaches in the Masters of Science in Psychotherapy program. Andrea is your MFS OUTCAN Rest of World Social Worker. If you are a CAF family member and would to speak with her or join the spousal support group for all OUTCAN spouses that she runs please email her at liss.andrea@cfmws.com.