Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting in Europe? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our mid-month bulletin. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME.
Dear Andrea,
Original question:
Comment aider concrètement notre enfant (début secondaire) qui a de la difficulté à s'adapter à l'école d'un point de vue académique? (P. ex. : nos enfants n'avaient pas de devoirs au Canada en Ontario, et ils ont beaucoup de difficulté à "pogner le beat" de l'école plus exigeante ici au UK.) Merci
Translated question:
How can we concretely help our child (first year of high school) who is having difficulty adapting to school from an academic point of view? Our children had no homework in Ontario and they are having great difficulty adapting to the more demanding schooling here in the UK. Thank you
- Smart Mom
Dear Smart Mom,
As parents, we want our children to do well in school so that they increase their chances of being set up for a decent future, but kids don’t necessarily understand our concern for the future. Sure they are often hoping and praying for the day that they ‘grow up’ and yet don’t realize that becoming an electrician or psychologist takes a lot of dedication. Learning basic study skills as a child and teen gives us more options for the future, whether we go on to higher education or not. Here are some pointers to help you and your family succeed at homework. First, a few words on learning.
Learning is challenging. It’s supposed to be.
There is a ‘hardness’ to learning. Learning new things is challenging for the brain and body. As mentioned in last month’s “Ask Andrea” column, a child’s brain is going through tremendous growth. When the brain is used in novel ways and new parts of the brain start to make connections it is taxing on the system. It can be unpleasant. Since human beings shy away from distress and always want things to be pleasant, it’s easy to see why homework is distressing to do, particularly after a day of learning in a new OUTCAN country, new school, and new education system. As parents, we have to take all of this into consideration in order to keep kids on track with their learning.
It is important to normalize that learning is most definitely hard, however kids can do it. Kids have been learning for thousands of years, thus “Learning is exactly like this- it can feel difficult. You can do it. Keep it up. I’m proud of your tenacity. I respect your persistence” are all words that will help your child. It’s a fact that learning is hard.
I have enough to do! Is helping my child with their homework my job?
Parents will need to be more or less invested in their child’s homework depending on the learning style of their child. Generally, as children mature, parents can ease off on how much time they spend helping them with homework. However, in your situation Smart Mom, it looks like your teen needs more help right now because the OUTCAN transition is more than your child’s system can digest on their own right now. Some parents may feel they are not required to help their children with their schoolwork. Working and parenting several children is so demanding it’s understandable to want to place the bulk of responsibility for learning on the school system and cry “That’s not my job”. It’s valid to feel pushed to the limit as an OUTCAN parent and yet the research suggests that there are many benefits to parental involvement in homework (see the link in the resources section below).
Here are some concrete tips you and your family can put in place. Ask your child what they need in order to succeed. Get them involved in the improvement of their experience because they too have to ‘own’ it.
Focus on what’s being learned, not the grade.
Careful about overfocusing on grades. This is just as much for parents as for students. We can all memorize and cram the night before and luck out with a decent grade. But this is not the same thing as learning. Learning that really sticks, results in greater feelings of satisfaction as we make links and understand how the world works. There can be a joy in knowing that we understand a concept and can apply it on our own. The outcome is contentment as opposed to surface level self-esteem that can come with a good grade. Learning-focused parents ask their children, regardless of grade, “What are you learning? How has this contributed to your knowledge base. Tell me what you enjoy about this”? The focus then shifts from the outcome (grade) to the process (understanding how the world works and becoming a citizen of the world).
Encourage reading books and reading news stories. Then talk about it at dinner and ask your kids to link how this is relevant to what they are learning in school.
Model reading. Anything is fair game. It does not matter what you read or what platform you use. Magazines, comic books, blogs, museum vignettes, newspapers, recipes, kobos, stories, poems, music lyrics, zines, graphic novels, the Talmud. Anything in print is fair game. Reading allows children to practice sticking with being in the moment and practicing concentration. In order to get through passages and to know what one is reading, the process requires patience and persistence. This can be practiced. No child or adult is too old to be read to or to read to their parent, grandparent or siblings. Lots of families read Harry Potter and the newspaper together as a family activity.
Ensure that there is a private space, devoid of social media, that is the ‘spot’ where homework learning takes place.
For students that are struggling it’s valuable to set up structures that are consistent. For some children this will be a consistent time to sit down to do homework (for example before or after dinner). Sticking to a rough time-frame is important. Structure is also important in terms of location of where homework takes place in the house. Workstations are very important. Once a homework pattern is established, you may want to consider having your child pick out a special desk and white board and fun office supplies so that they can personalize their workspace as a reward for establishing consistency. Homework space should be conditioned to be a place of work. Homework in bed or where gaming takes place is not recommended as bed has already been conditioned for sleep and gaming centres have been conditioned for play. A work zone needs to be for work and study only.
Keep your eye on the prize Smart Mom. Slow and steady wins the race. Model persistence.
Learning takes time. So does setting up new structures and schedules in your child’s new country, home, and school. Steady as she goes Smart Mom.
Do something that stinks every day.
My mother had good advice but one of the best pieces she shared was that every day requires doing things that we would rather not. Both adults and children are required to ‘dig deep’ and get unpleasant tasks out of the way like tying your shoe on your own, flossing your teeth, cleaning out the cat litter box, or vacuuming the car. Sit down with your kids when there is calm and consider teaching this as a golden rule. “Each day Mom and Dad do things that they don’t feel like doing and it’s something that we get better at with practice. I know it stinks, but it sounds like today's homework is that one thing today that you don’t feel like doing but you just have to. Let me know if you need help getting started.”
Speaking of getting started...Motivation for work comes by doing work.
Motivation is a feeling state that grows by doing. If I said to you “FEEL MOTIVATED” you’d look at me like I had two heads. That’s because motivation for challenging activities grows only once an activity has been started. Motivation for pleasant activities is intrinsic because pleasure is inherent in the activity itself, whereas with unpleasant activities the pleasure comes from successfully completing them.
The online learning over the past two years has had an impact on child and adult motivation for learning.
Online learning for adults and children has not been ideal. I teach in a two-year master’s program. The students in the COVID cohort burned out after the first year. All their classes and administrative tasks were online. My personal belief about why they burned out so quickly is that there was not spark to start their ‘fire’. There is a certain ‘spark’ that can only be achieved when groups of people grow together in a social group which brings needed balance to the repetitive dullness of academic work which requires a lot of isolation.
Try to keep the fighting out of schoolwork.
Here again, behavioural psychology has much to offer us. If helping your child with homework becomes too fraught with conflict, your child will not want your help. The pairing of homework and fighting will disincline your child from wanting to work or wanting you to work alongside them. Whatever you do, stay calm. If this has not been your way so far, it’s never, ever too late to start over.
Just start over.
I can’t stress this one enough. For parents, when you lose your cool, calm yourself down and start again. We can always begin again with our kids. It’s very helpful to say out loud “I am letting this get the better of me and need a time out. When I come back I’ll sit with you for a bit longer and I’ll be more patient with you”.
Just start over applies to the kids too. If they are not being receptive to your help or are getting frustrated with the third attempt at a math problem, it’s time for a short break. Breaking can involve trying another math problem or taking 5 minute lemonade break.
In subjects where there are significant difficulties, talk to the teachers and arrange for tutoring.
When you hire a tutor, ask the tutor to run a tutoring session as part of the job interview. You will want the tutor to teach in a style that appeals to your child’s learning style. You’ll want the tutor to be able to balance being fun and cool while also being encouraging and learning-focused. If the tutor makes the learning time interesting, the sessions will be more appealing and can be looked forward to. Check out the resource section below for a tip sheet on selecting a tutor. There are great pointers including scheduling, fees, and discussing policies up front.
A fantastic study scheduling program
The Pomodoro technique is a MUST time management system for middle school and older students. See the link below in the resource section.
Stick to it Smart Mom
Finally, you will need help on continuing to be firm and set boundaries with your child because that is just what engaged parents do. I've included an article in the resource section below that has some great tips on setting limits around electronic use and keeping a dedicated study time.
Further resources
Benefits of parental involvement in child schoolwork https://assignu.com/homework/should-parents-help-with-homework/#:~:text=Researchers%20have%20found%20that%20parental,scores%2C%20and%20improve%20social%20skills
Hiring a tutor https://www.howtolearn.com/2019/11/15-best-tips-to-choose-a-tutor/ Possible funding source: NUF If you are OUTCAN and due to your posting location are not connected to a unit fund, the non unit fund (NUF) stipend is available to you and can be used toward tutoring. Here is more information about the NUF funding: https://www.cafconnection.ca/Europe/Programs-Services/European-Fund/Non-Unit-Fund-(NUF)-Member-Personnel/European-Fund-Grant.aspx
The pomodoro technique https://intrepidednews.com/teach-your-kids-this-simple-strategy-for-improving-focus-pomodoro-technique/
Motivational techniques for academic success https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/10-ways-motivate-child-better-school/
And last but not least...
I just had a great meeting at the end of April with Alisa, Andrea, and Ian, the Children’s Education Management (CEM) Guidance Counsellors. They wholeheartedly explained that the transition to schooling in the UK is definitely something that they can help your family with. As you all know, there are three Guidance Counsellors that are responsible for helping in your child’s academic transition to the various European school systems. You would have spent time with your assigned Guidance Counsellor before your move to Europe. Please reach out to them! That’s what they are here for! My number one advice in your situation Smart Mom is for you to contact your family’s CEM Guidance Counsellor. The following link is from the CAF Connection website: https://www.cafconnection.ca/National/Programs-Services/Children-s-Education-Management/Guidance-Counselling.aspx
If you would like to pose a question for the Ask Andrea column, please send your anonymous question to https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME and Andrea will do her best to share some of her ideas.
Andrea has a master’s degree in Social Work is a Registered Social Worker and Registered Psychotherapist (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. She maintains a faculty appointment at McMaster University where she teaches in the Masters of Science in Psychotherapy program.