Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting in Europe? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our mid-month bulletin. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME.
Dear Andrea,
For spouses who come to Europe and leave their careers behind (by choice of course, but it's still difficult) what do you recommend to help them 'find' their new identity? Thanks!
- Stolen Identity
Dear Stolen Identity,
Thanks for kicking off the column! Your question is EXCELLENT.
The decision for spouses to embark on a posting to Europe is, I believe, a very difficult one. A posting to Europe is a complicated life event and requires making numerous decisions and choices along the way that are characterized by uncertainty. In your case you have had to leave behind your work and colleagues. For some, though not all, work is a great source of purpose and self-esteem. For better or for worse, work is a significant source of what informs our identity.
Meanwhile, just months ago, your friends, family, and co-workers were all green with envy about your relocation to Europe. You probably heard some version of “How romantic! What a great way to wait out the pandemic! You’re so lucky! You’re crazy! It’s a once in a lifetime experience!”. It all sounded so great. Meanwhile, deep inside you knew at some level that this particular move was a huge one, one with a greater sense of no turning back.
OUTCAN has a reputation which I think is inaccurate. The OUTCAN ‘story’ is one of travel, cushy perks, and wonderful food and shopping. Hopefully you are experiencing these joys of OUTCAN. But the less pleasant side to the OUTCAN reality is that being here invariably involves not having familiar anchors. The OUTCAN experience can reveal to us our dependence on anchors that have gone unexamined. On top of this are losses that can add up in ways that others find hard to understand unless they too have experienced a foreign relocation. Incidentally, this is some of the thinking behind why Military Family Services Europe is offering a new online circle of support called I CAN OUTCAN- check out the link here and come join us!
In your case Stolen Identity, you no longer have work to ‘identify’ you and this is
destabilizing. Tip- let’s get you to harness this energy. When we are thrown off kilter, in order to properly reorient ourselves, we need to take a good look at what life really means to us, like what life really means to us. We don’t get given these opportunities very often so it’s important to see this time of transition as an unexpected gift. But more about that later.
Choiceless Choices
The “choice” as you put it to relocate OUTCAN necessitated you leaving your career for now and I think this choice is best referred to as a ‘choiceless choice’. For this move, you had to say goodbye to work and your attachment to work as identity. That’s a lot.
A choiceless choice is one that might look like a choice on the surface, whereas in reality, what choice did you really have other than to say yes to a military relocation? It is a huge ‘ask’ that, for the proper functioning of the military system, a spouse may have to leave a workplace, and at the same time, this is the radical reality of a military life. Most military members know in their heart of hearts that they are not really ‘asking’ their spouse for permission to relocate because it’s not really a choice.
An important protective factor for a relationship is that you and your spouse continue to talk about the highs and lows of OUTCAN. Members need to know that the best thing they can do is listen and refrain from ‘doing’ or giving advice, unless it is asked for. Members and spouses need to acknowledge how admirable military spouses are. They both need to appreciate the depth of loss that spouses experience when a sabbatical must be taken from career.
Disenfranchised Grief
Many spouses may have been told or have themselves bought into the idea “Well, you knew what you were getting into”. First of all, that’s actually not true (how can you know what you have never experienced before?) and secondly, it lacks compassion because it doesn’t acknowledge the complexity, sadness and losses that invariably come along with regular upheavals.
I first heard the term disenfranchised grief at a training workshop by American psychologist Robert Niemeyer. He gave the example of a client who had lost their affair partner to cancer. Because the affair was a secret, his client couldn’t grieve properly. Grief requires the medicine of social connection in order for it to heal. The inability to express grief due to stigma makes grief “disenfranchised”.
In a like way, I think that the grief associated with OUTCAN life is a secret grief. I think that the losses associated with military relocations bring an untold sadness, of course more for some than for others. Because we don’t reveal the less flattering realities of the whole OUTCAN experience to ourselves or others, this keeps the psychological challenges related to OUTCAN a secret. The assumption that you are supposed to like everything about your European experience is not realistic. Layer on top of it that you “chose” this experience drives the secret even deeper. No one wants to know about your heartache if they think your experience should be amazing and one that you chose of your own free will. Instead, Stolen Identity, what you need to know is that living OUTCAN means you have undertaken a hefty life project and so deserve respect and admiration for your commitment, strength, patience and perseverance.
Identity
A number of years ago I read an article in the Globe and Mail’s Fashion section that has always stuck with me. A clothing designer was interviewed about life as a Canadian living in Europe. She explained that in social situations, such as at a party, North Americans ‘present’ themselves to others by telling others what they ‘do’ for a living. At a social event the conversation invariably turns to “And what do you do for a living”? What the designer found interesting was that this is how North Americans introduce themselves to others but she was also quick to point out that this is cultural. It’s cultural she explained because she noticed this exchange didn’t take place nearly as often in European social situations. What strikes me about your question, Stolen Identity, is that in our culture, we have to be somebody and that
this is always tied to work. If you have any doubts about this, just think about what parents experience when they leave the workforce to become mothers or fathers (shout out to all parents- hardest job ever). The loss of identity experienced by parents is profound and endemic to North America. The experience of loss of identity is very much governed by cultural learning. An important question to ponder Stolen Identity, is to what extent you want to buy into that you are your work. We would all benefit from taking stock of how we “be” rather than what we “do”. In the words of English writer, humourist, and actor Quentin Crisp: “Ask yourself, if there was to be no blame, and there were to be no praise, who would I be then”?
What to do about it: Firstly, assess your relocation adaptation
Research indicates that a foreign relocation is experienced as a slow burn stressful life event. In common parlance, relocations are ‘traumatic’. There are practical and psychological tasks that can help you out of relocation stress. Those who learn the language of their host country, integrate themselves into the culture (e.g. take dance lessons) and get adopted by an informal culture mentor (e.g. make friends with your dance instructor who can take you to parties and all the local haunts) fair the best in their relocations. For you Stolen Identity, a smart first step to help deal with your transition and career grief is take stock and see if you need to improve your relocation experience.
Step two: Take a deep dive into what is important to you in life
What is important to you in life? At great times of personal transition it is very important for us to reconnect to our values and deepest intentions in life. We need to carve a path for ourselves to do all the things that we wished we could have done personally or professionally but couldn't do due to career. Check out this short article and values inventory https://skillfulchange.org/differentiating-goals-intentions-and-values.
Step three: Claim your values and “be” them and be them all the way
The extra time available due to not working while OUTCAN can be a real opportunity to go inward to reflect on what really matters to you. Since you’ve got this opportunity, ask yourself “What do I want to accomplish by the time my OUTCAN experience is over? What do I want to be able to say to myself about how I spent my time? What do I need to claim as my own?
One of my clients has taken it upon herself to deepen her commitment to regular meditation as a long-term and sustained practice. She has been able to connect to her value of perseverance and set the intention of staying consistent with her practice. She has spent the better part of two years taking courses and doing homework. She treats her meditation study as a full-time job where, each week she has a schedule that she follows much like she did at her job as a health-care provider. She starts her work day with a slow cup of tea, a notebook with a to-do list. Her day involves studying, practicing meditation, slowly preparing supper, attending to communications with family and friends, meditating again in the afternoon, exercising, and accomplishing some chores. She ends her work day with note taking related to her studies. She sets her schedule as a work day because it is a work day. She rarely deviates from it because she claims this time as her “work”.
Another client is taking language lessons and learning to sew. He takes free online courses via Coursera https://www.coursera.org/. His days are planned, predictable, and his overall wish for skill acquisition has ambition behind it.
A third client who will return to a highly technical field next year has to maintain a high level of computer-based skill and so keeps in touch with former co-workers so she can keep on top of trends and available training. She was advised to do so by our very own Employment, Education and Training Program Coordinator Joliane Laforce. Joliane recommends that technical skills be updated regularly so as to remain relevant. To inquire about work, training and education, contact Joliane at mfse.employmenteducationtraining@cfmws.com
Finally Stolen Identity, I wish you the best in your OUTCAN journey! Come join us at I CAN OUTCAN every Monday at 11 am and let us know how it’s going. We support you!
If you would like to pose a question for the Ask Andrea column, please send your anonymous question to https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME and Andrea will do her best to share some of her ideas.
Andrea has a master’s degree in Social Work is a Registered Social Worker and Registered Psychotherapist (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. She maintains a faculty appointment at McMaster University where she teaches in the Masters of Science in Psychotherapy program.