I am certain every parent can remember the day your child(ren) waved goodbye to you as they headed into school for the first time. The worry of how they will manage without you, and the sadness you can't help but feel, knowing this signifies the beginnings of them growing up. Then there is the excitement as well, knowing this is a step towards independence for them and for you! That rollercoaster of emotions you feel throughout their childhood never gets easy ... you look forward to the day when they are grown, moving into their own self-discovery and success in the hopes it will trigger you to stop worrying about them so much.
My name is Mandi and my husband Brian and I are empty nesters for the first time in 25 years! ...in fact, the first time in our marriage. We had our daughter who is now 26; straight out of high school, so the idea of living as a couple without children was never a reality for us. I always dreamed of the day when our kids would move on and find happiness on their path of success as individuals, but having never experienced marriage without children, this was hard to imagine.
The best advice I ever received when Brian and I were getting married was from my father-in-law. He said, "No matter what life brings your way, ALWAYS take care of each other first and foremost. Your spouse is who will be there at the end of the day, so try to never take that for granted".
Although becoming empty-nesters has been a tough time adjusting to the silence in the house and the quiet that suddenly filled the rooms at home, it has been a really important time for Brian and I as a couple. Again, not ever knowing what life was like as a young married couple without kids, we had to take this time to look at each other and re-discover why we fell in love in the first place many years ago. Without kids there to interrupt our conversations, we suddenly have the floor to speak and be heard. We no longer have to watch what we say (which can also be a bad thing too hehe) and to be mindful of the other's feelings on certain topics. At the end of the day, it's US... so now is the chance to spend more time on the little things... taking walks together, candlelight dinners on a Wednesday instead of after the kids go to bed Saturday evening, spending money on fresh flowers... learning it is okay to spend the money on US.
Aside from the obvious financial changes where the bills for food and utilities lowered, there was also re-evaluating our home itself. Once I knew my kids were on their own for sure and for long-term (because there is always the chance they will need to come home for a period of time one day), we decided to sell our larger family home and down-size... this has opened up travel opportunities for us as well as saving for that rainy day.
Over the past few months of this new life adjustment, I admit there have been many times where I yearn for the "good old days" when my babies were home and making lots of mess and noise. I miss the chatter at the dinner table and the last-minute baked goods for the school fairs. I miss being needed. But it has been really important for myself and for Brian and I as a couple, to take this time to lose the guilt of enjoying that time spent alone. It has given us a chance to see what kinds of activities WE want to do that have no bearing on our kids' schedules. Being empty nesters is a huge adjustment emotionally as a parent but also as a couple as well.
It has taken a bit of time, but I am really enjoying this new stage of our lives! We are fortunate to have communication often with our children and visit them whenever we can, but it has been so much fun! Once the guilt subsides, (the worries never do as a parent of course!) it is a fantastic opportunity to really get to know ourselves again! It's a great chance to sit back and watch our children make progress and commend their personal successes from the side-lines. It is so rewarding to see your children grown into their own... and in many ways; we as a couple have as well xx
Best advice I can give any empty nesters new to this world:
Your kids are wonderful and that is because you raised them the best way you knew how. You loved unconditionally and they know it. Trust that you were a good parent! And it's okay... let them go!
Take this very valuable time to re-evaluate your relationship with your partner. You loved them many years for a good reason. Let's re-discover that!
STOP feeling guilty. You deserve that vacation ! EAT THE CAKE!
Take care of yourself. You spent many years putting that on the back-burner to ensure your babies were well taken care of... now it's your turn!
Change is always hard. For some harder than others. But change is an opportunity for discovery. Discover what makes YOU tick... makes YOU happy. And remember your kids are just as pleased to see you enjoying life now as you were for them as children
Pat yourself on the back. You did it! You somehow managed the flus, the bad colds, the hospital visits, the lonely nights and the many many tears 🙂
Becoming empty nesters is a different experience for everyone. It is emotional and exhausting at times. The roller coaster can be one that you sometimes have a hard time holding onto. There are still tears and lots of worry when your children leave the nest, but it's also a time to appreciate who you have become. It is hard to imagine what life was like before parenthood... but what better time to start? xx