Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting in Europe? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our mid-month bulletin. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME.
Hello OUTCAN,
It’s May and summer is on its way. Victoria Day is around the corner which for many Canadians is a symbol of the start of the summer season. For those leaving OUTCAN this summer, you have already been in full swing with goodbyes, mortgage planning for your new place back home, and for better or for worse, extended family who are counting the days until you return! In last month’s Ask Andrea, the topic of going home and the importance of goodbyes was introduced. The focus of this month’s column is on ‘Landing’.
What is Landing and How Long Does this Stage After an OUTCAN Last?
The first stage of leaving an OUTCAN is the Goodbye phase. If you are posted out this summer, you are going through that now as you house hunt, clean and purge your dwelling, say your goodbyes, and cancel your OUTCAN cell service. CAF members are preparing to wrap up work and transfer their portfolios to their replacement colleagues. Goodbye is the time when things wind down and come to a close while still OUTCAN. Landing constitutes the second stage of life in Canada after an OUTCAN. Landing is a short phase- it comprises the first month of homecoming back to Canada. There is excitement and for some, mourning or confusion.
The circumstances of your return to Canada after OUTCAN will influence how you feel about having to return. Here are some issues that will impact how your Landing unfolds:
Whether returning home now was what you wanted. What is not wanted will be harder to digest. If this is the case for you, Radical Acceptance is a strategy that is well worth reading about and practicing. Anger and disappointment may be predominant emotions that will need processing and letting go. Sometimes beliefs related to “not correct” or “not fair” fuel these feelings. These beliefs may need a second look so that they can become less sticky.
The length of time you have been OUTCAN. The longer you have been OUTCAN, the more memories, relationships and alterations to identity will have occurred. Therefore, your thoughts and feelings about being back in Canada will be more intense. This fact will need to be recognized, honoured and processed. Going home will be more shocking for you and friends and family may not recognize aspects of you. Patience and space may be what you need and expect an overall more protracted transition period of at least one year. Your landing will be a bit more of a thud. The best advice if you have been OUTCAN for a long time is to take return to Canada very slowly. Small bites work best.
How well you have kept in touch with friends and family and kept abreast of community affairs back in Canada. There is a fine line between success and failure OUTCAN. On the one hand, research suggests that those who have returned to Canada due to homesickness within the first six months of an OUTCAN fair worse than those who don’t. On the other hand, completely cutting oneself off of current and community events back in Canada can contribute to greater Reverse Culture Shock. This can add more stress at an already stressful time. It’s never too late to reconnect with friends back home and catch up on changes to your community.
What Should I Expect in the Landing month?
Landing back home will elicit different reactions among friends and family. Unless they have experienced an OUTCAN or expat experience, most will not understand how tumultuous an experience Landing can be. Therefore, the first step is to expect some strong emotions. Unfortunately, it will be hard for others to empathize with you. Strong emotions are often a result of Reverse Culture Shock. This is the disconnect you feel as you try to process the stress of starting up life again while also experiencing various confusions or even disappointments about Canada. Pace of life, traffic, changes in the weather, consumerism, cost of living, and visible poverty may bring sadness and disbelief, leading for a wish to return to ‘better days’.
Friends, special places and rituals gained during OUTCAN have accumulated into a 'season' of your life, but once back in Canada, the conditions that support these will no longer exist. Even with the best of intentions, things will no longer be the same. Canada itself, friends and family, and you yourself have changed.
Let’s face it, one of the unique experiences about being OUTCAN is some amount of reprieve from ‘real’ life as we knew and experienced it in Canada. It will be very off-putting to feel foreign in your own land but foreign you will feel- this too shall pass. Ensure your children know this too. Check in regularly with them on how they are transitioning. You may very well be the only person who can help them make sense of things. Make no mistake, we are truly fortunate to be Canadians, however the OUTCAN experience would not be the coveted experience it is if all were perfect in our motherland.
Tips to manage the Landing month: Throw A Party- A Fresh-Start Party.
Leaving Europe to move back to Canada is a separation. Feelings of sadness and lack of interest are thus to be expected. The reason that MFS and PSP host goodbye parties as families leave OUTCAN is to mark this special time with a happy memory. A goodbye party creates a bookend to mark this special time in your life. It’s worth considering starting anew in Canada with a welcome back party. Don’t wait for others to arrange it- make a party happen yourself. The party can act as a communication session to all your friends, so you don’t have to repeat yourself as you tell stories and share future plans. A Fresh Start Party lets everyone see that you are doing well and puts people at ease.
Know Your Strength
Landing is quite likely the most challenging stage in the OUTCAN experience due to the frustrations, confusion, and feelings of foreignness coupled with lack of supports. The best advice to get through this time is to know that the strength and fortitude that got you through your OUTCAN experience are there for you now and can help you bring this special time to a good closing. Always know that if within six months of your return home you are not managing well, reach out to a chaplain, elder, or professional who can lend a helping hand.
Stay tuned for next month’s Ask Andrea which is all about Reintegration post OUTCAN.
If you would like to pose a question for the Ask Andrea column, please send your anonymous question to https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME and Andrea will do her best to share some of her ideas.
Andrea has a master’s degree in Social Work and is a Registered Social Worker (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. She maintains a faculty appointment at McMaster University where she teaches in the Masters of Science in Psychotherapy program.