Let’s face it, parenting is hard! We often struggle, wondering if we’re doing the best for our children. One of my biggest concerns when we began our OUTCAN journey was leaving my young adult children in Canada. Relocating would have a significant impact on all of us, and I had to acknowledge that this would be difficult. Was I ready to become empty nester? Emotionally, how could I do it? Would our relationship change? How can a parent be a parent when they live so far away and only see their children at Christmas and summer vacations?
I still wanted to make sure that I could always be there when they needed me. Realizing and accepting this new stage in parenting is not an easy thing. Over the past 2 years there have been many ups and downs and maintaining my relationship with my children has required work from both sides. Throughout this journey, I have learned some do's and don'ts that have been helpful.
Do:
DO be emotionally present. You may not be there to hold a hand or to give a hug but you can listen and respect their feelings even over the phone or video chat. I can remember my daughter struggling with balancing living on her own. She was finding it overwhelming to clean her apartment, get groceries, do laundry.etc... I could have said that is part of being an adult but I didn’t. Instead, I took a different approach and we talked about how new routines take time and I gave her some ideas on how to balance day-to-day life.
DO actually listen. When you are on the phone or video chat, it is easy to multitask. Remember to be 100% present when you are talking with them. If you are making dinner, emptying the dishwasher and the tv is on, you might be a bit distracted.
DO make time for each other. It may be that you talk every day or once a week. My daughter calls or texts me almost every day. Most days the conversation is like we are sitting on the couch together just hanging out. I have found that it is really important to make the time even if it is just for 10 minutes. Both of you want to feel that you are important and that you are not bothering each other.
DO have open communication. This is a vital part of any healthy relationship. I want my kids to let me know their happiness' and frustrations when things happen in their lives. This allows them to feel comfortable telling me about their day-to-day life or bigger decisions they are making. I found it really hard when I first moved to accept that my children are adults and are living independent lives! Sometimes they talk about a decision they made and you think “this is not what I would said or done.” Keep that as an inside thought unless they ask. It is okay to ask questions but they don’t want me telling them what to do. I have learned that lesson a few times!
DO remember it is not forever. The mindset that is helping us through this journey, is remembering that it isn’t forever and that when we are together, the days and moments are that much more valuable.
DO keep yourself busy. If I am busy with my own life, I dwell much less on being sad that I live so far away. Plus, there is so much life to live so go out and live it! Your children want you to enjoy your OUTCAN experience.
Don’t:
DON’T: Ignore one another. It is okay to not feel like talking, but don’t ignore each other. It is always better to let the other person know you want some time to yourself, so that it doesn’t start an argument by you ignoring them, or their feelings get hurt.
DON’T: Expect them to always be free when you are. You will have different schedules, and that is okay! You can’t expect them to always be free when you are, so it is important to plan times when you can talk to one another.
DON’T: Take your time together for granted. You don’t get to spend a whole lot of time together, so don’t take it for granted! We have found if we talk about travel plans, their favorite food they want me to cook or things they want to do, it helps meet everyone’s expectations. After all, having four opinionated adults can be challenging. Make sure you enjoy the time you do get to spend with each other, and do fun things together and enjoy creating great memories. Don’t sweat the small stuff!
Our OUTCAN journey is impacting my relationships with my children in a positive way. I have had to learn to let go of wanting to parent each step they take, learned to hold back when they are finding their footing and be there to listen when they need me. Remember relationships are two ways streets that are always under construction.